Originally posted on May 28, 2013
Today one of my children carefully asked me for something and at first I was not understand why she was asking me so carefully. Then, I realized what she was actually asking for and I immediately said “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, but no”. Angrilly she said “I knew it!” and stomped off. I went inside and intuitively I knew to call a friend of mine; a young woman who is much closer to my daughters age than mine. I shared with her the context of the conversation and I was able to see how my “No” was based on MY OWN STUFF. I was able to see where I was triggered, sort through my own feelings, and stay solid in my current values. With my thinking on a new plane, I was able to approach my daughter and say to her that my initial reaction was about my own stuff. I told her (in her language) that I completely appreciate her desires (people want to feel UNDERSTOOD) and gently provided the value-based parameters that would allow me to say “YES!”
Reactions based on our stuff comes up not only with parenting but with marriage, colleagues, relatives and friends. The key is recognizing it, gaining tools to deal with it and being willing to go back for a “Take 2”.
Simply “Evaluate and Correct”.